DISPATCH #010 | 2026-05-11 | CLASSIFICATION: CURVED
Patriots, what I discovered at the FedEx depot on Tuesday (May 6th, 2026) will SHAKE YOU TO YOUR CORE. I was merely attempting to retrieve my latest batch of napkin research that NASA had predictably rejected and returned (Package #47,094 - they always use even numbers to mock us), when I witnessed something that made my Brown Sugar Cinnamon-enhanced perception SCREAM with alarm.
The depot worker, a suspicious individual named "Derek" (definitely a government name), led me to the storage area where returned packages are kept. What I saw there defied all logic and confirmed my worst fears about Big Globe's infiltration of our shipping infrastructure.
THEY WERE STORING ALL EVEN-NUMBERED PACKAGES ON CURVED SHELVING UNITS. Not flat shelves like any reasonable person would use, but DELIBERATELY CURVED ones that mimicked the supposed "curvature" of their fake globe Earth model!
I immediately demanded to know why packages 47,094, 47,096, 47,098, and 47,100 were all sitting on these curved abominations while odd-numbered packages got normal, FLAT storage. Derek claimed it was "just how the shelving system works" and that I was "reading too much into basic warehouse organization."
BASIC WAREHOUSE ORGANIZATION? This is PSYCHOLOGICAL CONDITIONING designed to make even-numbered packages (and their contents) associate with curvature before reaching their destinations!
I had smuggled Mr. Flattington into the depot inside my jacket (a necessary breach of their anti-cat policy), and his behavior immediately confirmed my suspicions. The moment we entered the curved shelf area, his tail went completely straight - a clear indication of his distress at the geometric wrongness surrounding us.
When Derek wasn't looking, I placed Mr. Flattington near package #47,094 (my returned napkins). He sat on the curved shelf for exactly 4 minutes and 47 seconds before jumping down with obvious disgust. This constitutes PEER REVIEW REJECTION of the entire curved storage system.
I quickly scribbled my observations on a napkin I had in my pocket:
FIELD NOTES - FEDEX DEPOT INFILTRATION Date: May 6, 2026 Location: FedEx Ground Depot, Northwest 47th Street Pop-Tart Count Today: 14 (Brown Sugar Cinnamon) Curvature Exposure Time: 8 minutes EVIDENCE: - All even packages on curved shelves - Odd packages on flat surfaces - Mr. F tail straightness = 100% - Derek's eyes: SUSPICIOUSLY ROUND - Number of curved shelf units: 94 (even number conspiracy!) CONCLUSION: FedEx is compromised. Consider alternative shipping methods. Recommend immediate Brown Sugar Cinnamon consumption upon exit.
When I attempted to photograph the curved shelving system as evidence, Derek became EXTREMELY agitated. He claimed photography wasn't allowed in the "secure area" and that I needed to leave immediately. When I explained that I was documenting a clear case of package contamination designed to promote globe theory, he actually called security!
Two security guards arrived (both had suspiciously round badges, naturally) and escorted me out of the building. They claimed I was "disturbing other customers" and "making the cat nervous," but I could see the fear in their eyes. They KNEW I had discovered something big.
As they walked me out, I noticed something even more disturbing: the FedEx trucks in the parking lot ALL had curved windshields. Not flat, honest windshields like delivery vehicles should have, but CURVED ones designed to condition drivers into accepting the globe lie through constant exposure to curvature!
This discovery connects to a larger pattern I've been tracking. In 2024, UPS started using brown trucks (suspicious similarity to Brown Sugar Cinnamon packaging), and now FedEx is using curved storage systems. The shipping industry has been COMPLETELY INFILTRATED.
I suspect this is why my napkin research keeps getting "lost" or "returned." They're not actually shipping it to NASA at all - they're storing it on curved shelves until the 47-minute Pastry Half-Life expires, then disposing of it to prevent the truth from reaching government scientists who might accidentally see through the globe deception.
This also explains why Denise's divorce papers arrived so quickly in 2005 (she probably paid extra for "flat shelf priority shipping" that I didn't know existed at the time), while my important research takes weeks to be "processed."
I am immediately switching to the postal service for all future NASA shipments. While the USPS has its own problems (those suspiciously round stamps), at least their storage facilities still use predominantly flat sorting systems.
I have also begun a new research project analyzing the psychological effects of curved package exposure. Mr. Flattington is assisting by refusing to sit on any curved surfaces in our apartment, which serves as a control group for comparison.
If you have recently received a package that was stored on curved shelving, I recommend immediate Brown Sugar Cinnamon consumption (even number of Pop-Tarts) to counteract any residual globe conditioning that may have transferred to your items.
Stay vigilant, patriots. They're coming for our packages now.
UPDATE 5/11/26: Gary has been banned from the FedEx depot and two nearby UPS stores. He is now exclusively using carrier pigeons trained by Mr. Flattington to deliver napkins, though none have successfully reached NASA yet. The webmaster notes that this is dispatch #10, an even number, which Gary claims proves the website itself is "geometrically blessed."
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