FIELD REPORTS FROM THE FLAT FRONT
"I write these so the truth has a timestamp. Also because the webmaster said I need 'content' and I said the TRUTH is content." — Gary
⚠ NOTE: These dispatches are transcribed from Gary's napkins by the webmaster. The webmaster does not endorse, verify, or fully understand the content. The webmaster is tired. All dispatches are peer-reviewed by Mr. Flattington (minimum 4-minute sit). Dispatches that fail peer review are discarded. So far, none have failed. The cat approves of everything Gary writes. The webmaster finds this "troubling." ⚠
DISPATCH #011 | 2026-05-18 SPHERICAL
GARY INFILTRATES LOCAL PODCAST STUDIO - DISCOVERS MICROPHONES ARE GLOBE-SHAPED FOR MIND CONTROL
Gary's first podcast appearance goes sideways when he realizes the studio microphones are deliberately globe-shaped to scramble flat Earth thoughts. Mr. Flattington's pre-show napkin review proved prophetic.
DISPATCH #010 | 2026-05-11 CURVED
FEDEX DEPOT CAUGHT STORING EVEN-NUMBERED PACKAGES ON CURVED SHELVING UNITS
While attempting to retrieve his 47th rejected NASA napkin shipment, Gary uncovers FedEx's elaborate scheme to contaminate even-numbered packages with curvature exposure. Mr. Flattington's tail behavior confirms the worst.
DISPATCH #009 | 2026-05-04 CRITICAL
Gary attended the Riverside Public Library's monthly 'Stargazers for Kids' event armed with 94 Pop-Tarts and seventeen napkins of research. The evening did not go as planned.
DISPATCH #008 | 2026-04-27 CRITICAL
DR. LINDA INFILTRATES MY PODCAST ATTEMPT - BIG GLOBE SABOTAGE CONFIRMED
Gary attempts his first podcast to spread the Pop-Tart truth but discovers Dr. Linda has been monitoring his internet activity. The recording equipment malfunctions exactly 47 minutes into the session.
DISPATCH #007 | 2026-04-20 SCANNED
GROCERY SELF-CHECKOUT MACHINES ARE SCANNING OUR RETINAS TO IDENTIFY FLAT EARTH BELIEVERS
After eating 14 Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts at 6:47 AM, Gary noticed the self-checkout machine at Kroger was scanning his eyes. THEY ARE BUILDING A DATABASE.
DISPATCH #006 | 2026-04-13 DIGITAL
LIBRARY COMPUTER AUTOMATICALLY CORRECTS 'FLAT EARTH' TO 'FLAT BREAD' - BIG TECH SABOTAGE CONFIRMED
While researching at the Broken Arrow Public Library, Gary discovered their computers automatically change 'flat Earth' searches to 'flat bread recipes.' The implications are STAGGERING.
DISPATCH #005 | 2026-04-06 DIGITAL
LIBRARY COMPUTER HIJACKED BY BIG GLOBE - SEARCH RESULTS MANIPULATED TO HIDE PASTRY TRUTH
Gary's attempt to research Pop-Tart patents at the downtown library reveals a MASSIVE digital conspiracy. The computers are PROGRAMMED to hide the truth about even-numbered pastry consumption!
DISPATCH #004 | 2026-03-31 FLATTENED
URGENT: LOCAL PIZZA PLACE REPLACED SQUARE SLICES WITH TRIANGULAR LIES
Tony's Family Pizza has abandoned their traditional square slices for triangular ones, clearly part of Big Globe's infiltration of local businesses. Gary's investigation reveals the disturbing timeline.
DISPATCH #003 | MARCH 19, 2026 URGENT
BREAKING: OHIO MAN ATE 12 POP-TARTS AND REPORTEDLY "SAW THE EDGE"
He is currently "on vacation." His family says he does not have a vacation home. Gary has been shaking since 7:14 PM. The neighbor's name is Rick. Gary does not trust anyone named Rick but acknowledges Rick's testimony in this case.
DISPATCH #002 | MARCH 10, 2026 FLATTENED
THE RENO SUBWAY INVESTIGATION: RENOVATION UPDATE AND FIELD REPORT
Gary drove 1,547 miles to investigate a Subway restaurant. He counted 47 tiles between the door and the counter. The employee Marcus said "we don't serve flatbread here." Mr. Flattington sniffed a bush for 12 seconds (an even number).
DISPATCH #001 | FEBRUARY 28, 2026 CINNAMON
ALERT: BROWN SUGAR CINNAMON POP-TART SHORTAGE DETECTED IN TULSA AREA
Brown Sugar Cinnamon stock has dropped 82.1% across 3 Tulsa-area stores in 3 weeks. Reasor's went to ZERO. Gary has graphs (on napkins). Mr. Flattington has been repositioned from the horizon window to the pantry door. He is now monitoring the supply.
Total dispatches: 11 | Napkins consumed in writing: 32 | Mr. Flattington review sessions: 3 (all approved)
Want to submit a dispatch? Write it on a napkin. Mail it to Gary. Gary's address is not listed. If you are meant to find it, you will find it. Gary found a Subway in Reno. You can find a P.O. Box in Tulsa.
© 2003-FOREVER | DYSTOPIAN PAIN | THE REAL ONE | Dispatches are filed when Gary has something to say, which is always
HOME | GARY'S RESEARCH | FLATNESS SIGHTINGS | POP-TART LOG | LINKS (ALL DEAD) | ⚠ REBUTTAL ⚠ | 📸 EVIDENCE | 📡 DISPATCHES | 🎵 TIKTOK