"I am not addicted. I am COMMITTED." — Gary, during his 2008 hospital visit
⚠ NOTE: This log represents Gary's BEST RECOLLECTION of his Pop-Tart consumption. Some entries are based on napkin records. Some are based on memory. Some are based on "a feeling." Gary estimates his total lifetime consumption at approximately 11,347 Pop-Tarts. His dentist estimates it higher. ⚠
╔══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗ ║ GARY'S POP-TART LIFETIME STATS (2003-2026) ║ ╠══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╣ ║ Total Pop-Tarts consumed: ~11,347 ║ ║ Total packets opened: ~5,674 ║ ║ Total boxes purchased: ~1,418 ║ ║ Estimated cost (at $3.50/box): $4,963.00 ║ ║ Estimated cost (adjusted for $6,847.00 ║ ║ inflation and "the Costco era"): ║ ║ ║ ║ FLAVOR BREAKDOWN: ║ ║ Brown Sugar Cinnamon: 6,204 (54.7%) ║ ║ Strawberry Frosted: 2,891 (25.5%) ║ ║ Strawberry Unfrosted: 1,102 ( 9.7%) ║ ║ S'mores: 448 ( 3.9%) ║ ║ Blueberry: 312 ( 2.8%) ║ ║ Cherry: 198 ( 1.7%) ║ ║ Wild Berry: 2 ( 0.0%) ║ ║ (Gary considers these 2 "a mistake") ║ ║ Cookies & Creme: 14 ( 0.1%) ║ ║ (Denise bought these. Gary ate them "under protest.") ║ ║ Other/Limited Edition: 176 ( 1.6%) ║ ║ (All consumed before the Limited Edition Ban of 2010) ║ ║ ║ ║ TOASTED vs RAW: ║ ║ Toasted: 4,539 (40.0%) ║ ║ Raw: 5,247 (46.3%) ║ ║ "Partially toasted" (toaster broke 1,561 (13.7%) ║ ║ mid-toast, Gary ate them anyway): ║ ║ ║ ║ EVEN vs ODD SESSIONS: ║ ║ Even (TRUTH sessions): 2,847 (78.4%) ║ ║ Odd (GLOBE sessions, accidental): 784 (21.6%) ║ ║ Gary's note: "Every odd session haunts me." ║ ║ ║ ║ LOCATIONS: ║ ║ Gary's kitchen: 62.3% ║ ║ Denny's (various): 14.7% ║ ║ Gary's car: 8.9% ║ ║ Parking lots: 5.2% ║ ║ Walmart (before bans): 3.1% ║ ║ Gary's nephew's birthday party: 0.2% ║ ║ "I'd rather not say": 5.6% ║ ╚══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
DATE | QTY | FLAVOR | TOASTED | EVEN? | NOTES
===========|=====|===================|=========|=======|=========================
Jan 1 | 4 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "New year. New truth."
Jan 2 | 2 | Brown Sugar Cin. | No | YES | "Maintenance dose."
Jan 3 | 6 | Strawberry Frost. | Yes | YES | "Good session."
Jan 5 | 2 | Brown Sugar Cin. | No | YES | "Quick check."
Jan 7 | 4 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "Confirmed: still flat."
Jan 8 | 3 | Mixed | No | NO | "MISTAKE. Dropped one.
| | | | | Lost vision for 47 min."
Jan 9 | 8 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "Recovery session."
Jan 12 | 2 | Strawberry Unfr. | No | YES | "Quick calibration."
Jan 14 | 6 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "Mr. Flattington watched.
| | | | | He approved."
Jan 15 | 4 | S'mores | Yes | YES | "Good but chocolatey."
Jan 18 | 2 | Brown Sugar Cin. | No | YES | "Just needed to check."
Jan 20 | 10 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "BIG SESSION. Started
| | | | | vibrating. Normal."
Jan 22 | 2 | Strawberry Frost. | No | YES | "Light day."
Jan 25 | 4 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "Standard Tuesday."
Jan 28 | 6 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "Can confirm Jan. still
| | | | | flat."
Jan 31 | 4 | Strawberry Unfr. | Yes | YES | "End of month. Flat."
-----------+-----+-------------------+---------+-------+-------------------------
JAN TOTAL: | 69 | (nice) | | | 1 odd session. Tragic.
===========|=====|===================|=========|=======|=========================
Feb 1 | 4 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "New month. Same truth."
Feb 3 | 2 | Brown Sugar Cin. | No | YES | "Quick one."
Feb 7 | 6 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "Strong session."
Feb 14 | 8 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "Valentine's Day. Alone.
| | | | | Ate for Denise. She
| | | | | doesn't know. Flat."
Feb 17 | 4 | Strawberry Frost. | Yes | YES | "Decent."
Feb 20 | 2 | Brown Sugar Cin. | No | YES | "Routine check."
Feb 22 | 6 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "2/22. All even. Powerful."
Feb 28 | 4 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "Month end. Confirmed."
-----------+-----+-------------------+---------+-------+-------------------------
FEB TOTAL: | 36 | | | | 0 odd sessions. PERFECT
| | | | | MONTH. Gary is proud.
===========|=====|===================|=========|=======|=========================
Mar 1 | 4 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "New month energy."
Mar 5 | 2 | Brown Sugar Cin. | No | YES | "Quick dose."
Mar 8 | 6 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "Saw something new in
| | | | | the horizon. Won't say
| | | | | what yet. Investigating."
Mar 14 | 6 | Strawberry Frost. | No | YES | "ANNIVERSARY DAY. 23
| | | | | years. Went to the
| | | | | Chipotle parking lot.
| | | | | Cried. Flat."
Mar 19 | 4 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "Ohio man saw the edge.
| | | | | VINDICATION."
Mar 22 | 8 | Brown Sugar Cin. | Yes | YES | "Celebration session."
Mar 25 | 2 | Brown Sugar Cin. | No | YES | "Quick one."
Mar 27 | ?? | ?? | ?? | ?? | "In progress. You are
| | | | | reading this RIGHT NOW."
Date: December 21, 2012 (Mayan calendar end-date)
Quantity: 20
Flavor: Brown Sugar Cinnamon (10 packets)
Toasted: The first 12 were toasted. The toaster broke. The remaining 8 were raw.
Notes: "I thought the world was ending so I needed maximum truth. What I saw at Pop-Tart 20 cannot be described. My left eye has not stopped twitching since. Mr. Flattington hid under the bed for 3 hours afterward. He sensed what I saw. Neither of us has spoken about it. We don't need to. We were THERE."
Period: February 2026 (28 days, 0 odd sessions)
Notes: "My greatest achievement. Greater than the Denny's discovery. Greater than the book. 28 straight days of even consumption. Pure. Unbroken. Truth."
Date: November 4, 2005
Quantity: 1
Flavor: Wild Berry
Toasted: No
Notes: "Denise had left the week before. I was in a dark place. I found one Pop-Tart in the back of the pantry. Wild Berry. Not even a good flavor. I ate it alone. Odd number. Wrong flavor. I couldn't see the flatness for 3 days. This was the lowest point. I keep this napkin as a reminder. Mr. Flattington was a kitten then. He sat on my lap. He knew."
Date: August 12, 2019
Quantity: 7 (intended: 8)
Flavor: Strawberry Frosted
Notes: "I was eating my 8th Pop-Tart when Mr. Flattington knocked it out of my hand. It fell on the floor. I have a 5-second rule but Mr. Flattington sat on it. A Pop-Tart sat on by the cat cannot be eaten — it has been CLAIMED. I was stuck at 7. ODD. The globe vision hit me immediately. I had to open a new packet and eat 2 more to get to 9— wait, 9 is also odd. I had to eat 3 more for 10. I ate 10 Pop-Tarts that day because of a cat. I started vibrating. This was the day I learned that Mr. Flattington, while a powerful ally, is also an agent of chaos."
MONTH | BOXES | COST | NOTES =========|=======|=========|================================ January | 14 | $51.80 | "Stocked up. New Year energy." February | 11 | $40.70 | "Short month. Efficient." March | 16 | $59.20 | "Anniversary prep." April | 12 | $44.40 | "Standard." May | 13 | $48.10 | "Slightly over. Had guests." (Gary did not have guests.) June | 15 | $55.50 | "Summer. More daylight. More horizon. More Pop-Tarts." July | 18 | $66.60 | "4th of July. America is flat. Celebrated." August | 14 | $51.80 | "Standard." September| 12 | $44.40 | "Budget month." October | 16 | $59.20 | "Halloween. Gave out Pop-Tarts. No trick-or-treaters came. Ate them all." November | 11 | $40.70 | "Thanksgiving. Family did not invite Gary. He had his own dinner. Pop-Tarts." December | 20 | $74.00 | "Christmas. Gifts for Mr. Flattington (cat toys, napkins)." =========|=======|=========|================================ TOTAL | 172 | $636.40 | "The cost of truth."
Gary's annual Pop-Tart budget is $700. He has exceeded this budget 0 times (he rounds down). His other expenses include: rent, napkins, stamps (for mailing napkins), cat food, one (1) podcast microphone, and "gas for driving to places to look at the horizon."
This log is updated whenever Gary remembers to update it. Which is always. Gary never forgets a Pop-Tart.
© 2003-FOREVER | DYSTOPIAN PAIN | Every Pop-Tart counted. Every crumb accounted for. (Crumbs don't work though. See research.)
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