DISPATCH #009 | 2026-05-04 | CLASSIFICATION: CRITICAL
Fellow researchers, I have returned from what can only be described as the FRONT LINES of the war for children's minds. The Riverside Public Library - yes, the SAME library that banned me in 2019 for "disrupting the quiet study area with Pop-Tart calculations" - was hosting their monthly "Stargazers for Kids" program. Intelligence gathered from overheard conversations at the grocery store (Aisle 7, cereal section, 2:47 PM) indicated this was a PRIME opportunity to intercept the globe indoctrination process.
I prepared extensively. Consumed exactly 94 Pop-Tarts over the past 47 hours (Brown Sugar Cinnamon, naturally - Flavor Potency Index 10/10). Mr. Flattington assisted in the pre-mission briefing by sitting on my seventeen most important napkin diagrams for 4 minutes and 23 seconds each. His peer review process has NEVER failed me.
At 6:47 PM, I arrived at the library wearing my nephew's oversized hoodie (still banned from his birthday parties, but his clothing fits perfectly for stealth operations). The children's section was CRAWLING with impressionable young minds, ages 6-12, all gathered around a so-called "astronomer" named Kevin who was setting up what he called a "telescope."
Kevin. KEVIN! Not even Dr. Kevin - just Kevin! This man was preparing to show children the CURVED HORIZON of planets through his government-issued optical deception device. I knew I had to act.
I positioned myself behind the children's biography section (between "Famous Scientists" and "World Leaders" - both sections FULL of globe propaganda) and began my counter-programming. Every time Kevin mentioned "spherical planets," I would loudly cough and hold up napkin diagrams showing the TRUTH.
NAPKIN EVIDENCE #1 (Denny's, 2003): 🌍 ← LIES _____ ← TRUTH Children deserve FACTS!
Things escalated when Kevin began showing the children Saturn through his telescope. "Look at those beautiful rings around the planet!" he said. RINGS AROUND A SPHERE? The geometric impossibility was STAGGERING.
I could no longer remain silent.
"EXCUSE ME, KEVIN," I announced, emerging from behind the biography section with my seventeen peer-reviewed napkins. "But you are showing these children GOVERNMENT FABRICATIONS! Saturn's rings are clearly FLAT DISCS stacked like dinner plates! Any child who has eaten an even number of Pop-Tarts can perceive this BASIC TRUTH!"
The librarian - Margaret, who has been part of the conspiracy since my 2019 incident - immediately began approaching. But the CHILDREN were listening! Little Susie (approximately 8 years old, pigtails) asked, "Mister, what's a Pop-Tart?"
WHAT'S A POP-TART? These children were being raised in COMPLETE IGNORANCE of the most important research tool in flat Earth science!
I began distributing my backup napkins (always carry extras - learned this after the Dave & Buster's incident of 2021). "Children, gather around! Uncle Gary is going to show you how Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts reveal the TRUTH about our flat realm!"
Kevin tried to interfere, claiming I was "disrupting the program" and "frightening the children." Frightening them with KNOWLEDGE, Kevin? With TRUTH?
I explained to the children about the Pastry Half-Life (47 minutes), the Even Number Principle, and how their parents had been feeding them ROUND cereals and SPHERICAL meatballs their entire lives to maintain globe blindness. Several children began crying, but I believe these were tears of ENLIGHTENMENT.
Margaret arrived with backup - a security guard and someone who claimed to be "calling the authorities." As if the authorities aren't PART of Big Globe's network! I attempted to complete my lesson by showing the children my most important napkin: a detailed diagram of Mr. Flattington's peer review process.
When three police officers arrived (at exactly 7:47 PM - THE NUMBERS DON'T LIE), I knew the Deep State had mobilized. They escorted me from the premises while I shouted final instructions to the children: "REMEMBER! EVEN NUMBERS ONLY! BROWN SUGAR CINNAMON! THE EARTH IS FLAT!"
Little Tommy (red hair, gap tooth) waved goodbye and yelled, "Bye, Pop-Tart Man!" This child GETS IT. There is hope for the next generation.
I am now banned from the Riverside Public Library, bringing my total institutional bans to 23. But the TRUTH was planted. Those children will remember Uncle Gary's words when they're old enough to purchase their own Pop-Tarts.
Back home, Mr. Flattington immediately began investigating my jacket for evidence. He found library carpet fibers and what appears to be a child's crayon mark - both potential PROOF of successful knowledge transfer. He has been sitting on Napkin Evidence #1 for 6 minutes now, indicating MAXIMUM approval of tonight's operation.
Kevin's telescope was clearly a psychological weapon designed to make flat surfaces appear curved. I have submitted a formal complaint to NASA (Napkin #4,001 - mailed this morning) demanding an investigation into Kevin's credentials and possible connections to the Man in Reno situation.
Dr. Linda sent another email today ("Gary, please consider a civil debate about astronomy"), but I will not be fooled by her academic credentials and "PhD in Astrophysics." Anyone can get a PhD, Dr. Linda. But can you eat 94 Pop-Tarts and perceive the TRUTH? I think not.
The children deserve better than Kevin's curved-space propaganda. They deserve the FLAT TRUTH.
UPDATE (May 4th, 2026, 3:47 AM): Mr. Flattington just knocked over my emergency Pop-Tart supply while chasing a dust bunny. Found a child's library bookmark under the box - EVIDENCE that my message reached them. Also, someone left seventeen packets of Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts on my doorstep with a note: "For Uncle Gary - From Tommy." The resistance grows. - Webmaster note: Gary, the police called. Again. Also, I'm pretty sure that was just the delivery driver leaving your Amazon order.
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