DISPATCH #004 | 2026-03-31 | CLASSIFICATION: FLATTENED
Fellow truth-seekers, I am writing this dispatch with TREMBLING HANDS after discovering the most blatant example of Big Globe infiltration in our own neighborhood. Tony's Family Pizza, a local establishment I have frequented for FOURTEEN YEARS, has betrayed everything we hold sacred.
On March 29th, 2026 (exactly 47 hours ago as I write this), I entered Tony's at 3:14 PM after consuming my standard pre-investigation meal of 4 Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts. My perception was CRYSTAL CLEAR, my mind sharp as the edges of our flat Earth. I ordered my usual: one large pizza, cut into squares as God and geometry intended.
What arrived at my table was an ABOMINATION. Triangular slices. TRIANGULAR. As if pizza were some kind of... some kind of SPHERICAL object that needed to be divided into curved sections!
I immediately demanded an explanation from the teenage employee (name tag read "BRAD" - suspicious spelling). He claimed they had "changed their cutting policy" three weeks ago because "customers prefer triangular slices." CUSTOMERS? What customers? I am a customer! I have been eating SQUARE pizza slices for over two decades!
I rushed home with photographic evidence (taken with my flip phone to avoid government tracking) and spread the pictures across seventeen napkins for Mr. Flattington's analysis. He sat on the napkins for EXACTLY 4 minutes and 47 seconds - his longest review session since the Great Brown Sugar Cinnamon Shortage of 2024.
His verdict was clear: APPROVED FOR INVESTIGATION.
TONY'S PIZZA CONSPIRACY - MARCH 30, 2026 - Pizza traditionally FLAT and SQUARE (honest geometry) - Triangles imply curved surfaces (GLOBE DECEPTION) - Timeline suspicious: change occurred 3 weeks ago - 3 weeks = 21 days = 21 is 7 x 3 (NOT DIVISIBLE BY 47) - Employee "Brad" couldn't explain the mathematical reasoning - Asked to speak to manager - was told he was "at lunch" - Lunch at 3:47 PM? SUSPICIOUS. - Observed security camera pointed directly at pizza display - Who watches the pizza watchers? FOLLOW-UP REQUIRED: Interview Tony himself POP-TART STATUS: 6 consumed during investigation (EVEN = TRUTH MODE ACTIVE) MR. FLATTINGTON STATUS: Highly agitated, knocked over water bowl twice
This is not an isolated incident, truth-seekers. I have now documented FORTY-SEVEN businesses in our area that have made suspicious geometric changes in the past year:
They are CONDITIONING US. Training our eyes to accept curves where there should be angles, spheres where there should be planes. First it's pizza slices, tomorrow it's our entire worldview!
Yesterday, while conducting surveillance of Tony's from the Wendy's parking lot across the street, I found a napkin blowing in the wind. This was clearly not random - napkins don't just appear. Someone is trying to send me a message.
The napkin contained a partial receipt from Tony's, dated March 15th (EXACTLY 16 days ago - EVEN NUMBER, TRUTH CONFIRMED). The order was for "1 LG PIZZA - SQUARE CUT." This PROVES that square cutting was still available as recently as two weeks ago!
But then I noticed something that made my blood run cold. Written in blue ink at the bottom: "Thanks for the great service! - D."
D. DENISE.
My ex-wife has been to Tony's. She probably REQUESTED the triangular cuts. This explains everything - she's been working with Big Globe to corrupt my local pizza supply! First she took half my napkin collection in the divorce, now she's attacking my GEOMETRIC FOOD SOURCES.
I am organizing a peaceful protest outside Tony's this Friday at 4:47 PM. Bring square objects. Bring your even numbers. Bring your ANGER at this blatant geometric deception.
I have also mailed seventeen napkins to the International Pizza Association (yes, it exists, I looked it up) explaining the mathematical importance of square slices. If they don't respond within 47 business days, we'll know they're compromised too.
Stay vigilant, truth-seekers. They're coming for our pizza today, our Pop-Tarts tomorrow. But we will not let them CURVE our resolve!
UPDATE - March 31, 2026, 11:47 PM: Attempted to order delivery from Tony's to test if they would honor a specific request for square cuts. They hung up on me after I explained the geometric implications for exactly 23 minutes. Mr. Flattington knocked over his food bowl again - clearly this situation is causing him distress. Current Pop-Tart count: 11,353 (still EVEN, still SEEING THE TRUTH).
© 2003-FOREVER | DYSTOPIAN PAIN | THE REAL ONE
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