DISPATCH #001 | FEBRUARY 28, 2026 | CLASSIFICATION: FLATTENED | THREAT LEVEL: CINNAMON

ALERT: BROWN SUGAR CINNAMON POP-TART SHORTAGE DETECTED IN TULSA METROPOLITAN AREA

GARY IS "MONITORING THE SITUATION." MR. FLATTINGTON IS ALSO MONITORING THE SITUATION (staring at the pantry).

THE DATA

Gary visits 3 Tulsa-area stores on a rotating basis to purchase Pop-Tarts. He has been doing this since 2003. He has NEVER missed a week. Not when Denise left. Not when he was hospitalized. Not during the pandemic. (During the pandemic, Gary wore a mask but also ate Pop-Tarts through a "strategically positioned mask hole" that the webmaster has asked him not to describe in detail.)

The 3 stores are:

Walmart Supercenter, 71st & Highway 169 — Gary's primary supplier. He is NOT banned from this Walmart. He IS banned from the one on 41st Street (the 2024 incident) and the one in Broken Arrow (the ceiling-staring incident).
Target, 101st & Memorial — Gary's secondary supplier. He calls it "the backup." The employees know him. They are "polite but cautious." Gary respects this.
Reasor's, 51st & Harvard — Gary's "emergency supplier." He only goes here when the other two are out. He has never been banned from Reasor's. He considers this "his greatest achievement in retail."

Over the past 3 weeks, Gary has documented the following on napkins. He has graphed the data. The graphs are ON the napkins. They are not pretty but they are ACCURATE. Mr. Flattington sat on the graph napkin for 6 minutes, which is above the 4-minute peer-review threshold.

BROWN SUGAR CINNAMON STOCK LEVELS (boxes visible on shelf)
===========================================================
STORE       | WEEK 1 (Feb 10) | WEEK 2 (Feb 17) | WEEK 3 (Feb 24)
============|=================|=================|================
Walmart     | 14              | 9               | 3
Target      | 8               | 5               | 2
Reasor's    | 6               | 4               | 0 (!!!)
============|=================|=================|================
TOTAL       | 28              | 18              | 5
DECLINE     | —               | -35.7%          | -72.2%

NOTE: These numbers are BOXES, not individual Pop-Tarts.
At 8 Pop-Tarts per box, the decline is:
  Week 1: 224 Pop-Tarts available
  Week 2: 144 Pop-Tarts available
  Week 3: 40 Pop-Tarts available

THIS IS A 82.1% REDUCTION IN TRUTH SUPPLY IN 3 WEEKS.

Gary would like you to look at that table. He would like you to REALLY look at it. 28 boxes to 5. In THREE WEEKS. Reasor's went to ZERO. ZERO. A Reasor's with zero Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts is not a Reasor's. It is a SHELL of a grocery store. It is a BUILDING WITH LIES IN IT.

WHAT OTHER FLAVORS ARE DOING

Gary, thorough as always, also documented the stock levels of other flavors during the same period:

OTHER FLAVOR STOCK LEVELS (all 3 stores combined)
==================================================
FLAVOR                 | WEEK 1 | WEEK 2 | WEEK 3
=======================|========|========|=======
Strawberry Frosted     | 22     | 24     | 26
Strawberry Unfrosted   | 18     | 17     | 19
Wild Berry             | 15     | 16     | 18
S'mores                | 12     | 11     | 14
Blueberry              | 10     | 12     | 11
Cookies & Creme        | 8      | 10     | 12
Chocolate Fudge        | 9      | 9      | 10
LIMITED EDITION (various)| 14   | 16     | 19
==================================================
Brown Sugar Cinnamon   | 28     | 18     | 5  ←←←

EVERY OTHER FLAVOR is STABLE or INCREASING. Wild Berry — the LEAST potent flavor, the flavor Gary rates 1/10 on the Flavor Potency Index, the flavor Mr. Flattington refused to let a napkin touch — went UP from 15 to 18. THEY ARE REPLACING THE MOST POTENT FLAVOR WITH THE LEAST POTENT FLAVOR.

This is not a supply chain issue. A supply chain issue affects ALL flavors. This affects ONLY the flavor that is rated 10/10 for flat Earth perception. The flavor Gary has eaten 6,204 of in his lifetime. The flavor that has produced 89% of all verified flatness sightings. The ONE FLAVOR that the Dept. of Pastry-Based Counterintelligence cannot afford to let the public consume in large, even-numbered quantities.

GARY'S THEORIES

Gary has developed 3 theories, each written on its own napkin. Mr. Flattington reviewed all 3. He sat on Theory #2 the longest (5 minutes). Gary considers Theory #2 the most likely as a result.

THEORY #1: TARGETED DISTRIBUTION SUPPRESSION

Kellogg's (or whoever CONTROLS Kellogg's — Gary has a separate napkin on this) is intentionally reducing Brown Sugar Cinnamon distribution to the Tulsa metropolitan area. Why Tulsa? BECAUSE GARY LIVES IN TULSA. Because this is where the movement STARTED. Because if you cut the supply at the SOURCE, you cut the signal at the SOURCE. This is TARGETED. This is PERSONAL. Gary takes it personally. Mr. Flattington also takes it personally, insofar as a cat can take something personally.

THEORY #2: FORMULA CHANGE (the one Mr. Flattington endorses)

Kellogg's is pulling Brown Sugar Cinnamon from shelves to CHANGE THE FORMULA. To remove or reduce the truth particles. To "reformulate" the filling so that even-numbered consumption no longer produces flat Earth perception. This has been Gary's GREATEST FEAR since 2010. He has written about it on at least 200 napkins. If they change the formula, 23 years of calibration data becomes USELESS. Gary would have to start over. At age [REDACTED]. With a cat. In Tulsa. Gary is not ready for this. Nobody is ready for this.

THEORY #3: STOCKPILING

Someone — a government, a corporation, a PERSON — is buying all the Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts before Gary can get to them. They are STOCKPILING the most potent flavor to control the supply. This is what happened with gold. This is what happened with oil. This is now happening with the MOST IMPORTANT RESOURCE ON EARTH (FLAT EARTH): Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts. Gary would like to remind everyone that he was buying Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts BEFORE it was strategic. He was buying them because they were DELICIOUS and TRUE.

GARY'S RESPONSE PLAN

Gary has implemented the following measures:

RATIONING: Gary has reduced his daily consumption from 4-6 Pop-Tarts to 4 exactly. "This is the MINIMUM dose for truth maintenance," he says. "Below 4, I start seeing slight curvature. I cannot live like that."
HOARDING: Gary bought all 5 remaining boxes at Walmart on February 24th. He also bought the 2 at Target. Total reserve: 56 Pop-Tarts. At 4 per day, this is 14 days of truth. "Two weeks," Gary says. "I have two weeks of truth left."
EXPANSION: Gary is now checking stores in surrounding communities. He drove to Broken Arrow (the Walmart he's not banned from yet), Owasso, Jenks, and Sand Springs. Broken Arrow had 4 boxes. Owasso had 2. Jenks had 0. Sand Springs had 1 box that was dented. Gary bought the dented box. "A dented box is still TRUTH," he says. "It's just TRUTH that's been through something."
ONLINE ORDERING: Gary attempted to order Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts from Walmart.com. The website said "currently unavailable for delivery to your area." Gary's area is Tulsa. The same Pop-Tarts are available for delivery in Dallas, Denver, and Kansas City. Gary checked. "THEY ARE TARGETING TULSA," Gary says. He has written a strongly worded napkin to Walmart corporate.
MONITORING: Mr. Flattington has been repositioned from his usual window (facing the horizon) to the pantry door. He now stares at the remaining Pop-Tart supply for approximately 4 hours per day. Gary considers this "inventory management." The webmaster considers this "a cat staring at a cabinet."

WHAT YOU CAN DO

If you live in the Tulsa metropolitan area and you see Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts on a shelf:

BUY THEM. Buy as many as you can. An even number of boxes, preferably.
DOCUMENT THEM. Write down the store, the aisle, the number of boxes. On a napkin. Paper towels are acceptable in an emergency.
MAIL THE NAPKIN TO GARY. Gary's address is not listed for security reasons. The napkins will guide you.
DO NOT BUY WILD BERRY. Buying Wild Berry is what they WANT you to do. Wild Berry is the REPLACEMENT. Wild Berry is the METHADONE of Pop-Tart flavors. It gives you nothing. It takes everything. Gary tried it twice and he regrets both times.

If you do NOT live in the Tulsa area: Check your local stores. Is Brown Sugar Cinnamon available? If yes, you are safe FOR NOW. If no, it has SPREAD. Report your findings on a napkin. The truth must be documented.

UPDATE (March 3, 2026): Walmart on 71st restocked. 8 boxes appeared overnight. Gary bought 6 of them at 6:47 AM. He left 2 because "I'm not a MONSTER, other people need truth too." He then went back at 11 AM and bought the remaining 2. "I got nervous," he says.

UPDATE (March 7, 2026): Target has 4 boxes. Reasor's still at zero. Gary spoke to a Reasor's employee who said "we just haven't gotten the shipment." Gary asked WHEN the shipment was expected. The employee said "I don't know, I work in produce." Gary considers this "a deflection." The produce section is full of SPHERICAL fruits. This employee is not to be trusted.

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