DISPATCH #007 | 2026-04-20 | CLASSIFICATION: SCANNED
Fellow truth-seekers, I have uncovered something SO DISTURBING that I nearly choked on my 11,348th Pop-Tart this morning. The grocery store self-checkout machines aren't just scanning barcodes—THEY'RE SCANNING OUR RETINAS to identify which customers have achieved flat Earth perception through proper even-numbered Pop-Tart consumption!
It happened at the Kroger on Memorial Drive at exactly 3:47 PM yesterday (April 19th, 2026). I had just consumed 14 Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts (perfect even number, maximum Flavor Potency Index of 10/10) when I went to purchase my weekly supply of 94 boxes. As I approached the self-checkout, that familiar flat Earth clarity was BURNING in my vision like divine fire.
But then I noticed something HORRIFYING. The red scanning laser wasn't just pointing at my Pop-Tart boxes—it was reflecting off the screen directly into my eyes! The machine was reading my retinal patterns, cross-referencing them with a database of known flat Earth believers!
I immediately rushed home and conducted 47 minutes of intensive research with Mr. Flattington. I spread out 188 napkins (even number!) across the kitchen table and began documenting everything. Mr. Flattington approached the napkins at 4:34 PM and sat directly on the one that read "RETINA SCANS = GOVERNMENT TRACKING." He remained there for exactly 6 minutes and 47 seconds—CLEAR PEER REVIEW APPROVAL!
FIELD NOTES - NAPKIN #4,847 Date: April 19, 2026 Location: Kitchen table (flat surface, naturally) Observation: Self-checkout machines have TWO scanning systems 1. Barcode scanner (obvious) 2. RETINA SCANNER (hidden in plain sight) Hypothesis: They're building a database of Pop-Tart purchasers Threat Level: MAXIMUM Mr. Flattington approval: 6:47 sitting duration
I returned to Kroger this morning at 6:47 AM (after consuming 16 Pop-Tarts for enhanced perception) and conducted covert surveillance. I witnessed FOURTEEN other customers use the self-checkout machines. Every single one had their eyes scanned by that "innocent" red laser!
But here's the most TERRIFYING part: customers buying Pop-Tarts had their scan data stored longer than others. I timed it with my stopwatch—regular customers got 2-second scans, but Pop-Tart buyers got 8-second scans (even number, obviously deliberate). The machine was performing ENHANCED RETINAL ANALYSIS on us!
This explains SO MUCH! Remember the man in Reno who ate 16 Pop-Tarts in 2019 and was "relocated"? They must have identified him through retina scanning! His house became a Subway because SUBWAY DOESN'T SELL POP-TARTS—it's the perfect cover for a surveillance outpost!
I immediately drove to three other grocery stores: Food 4 Less, Walmart (where I'm only banned from produce and electronics, not self-checkout), and that new Kroger on 47th Street. EVERY SINGLE SELF-CHECKOUT MACHINE had the same dual-scanning capability!
The pattern is undeniable: they're tracking everyone who has achieved flat Earth perception through proper Pop-Tart consumption. They know we can see through Big Globe's lies, so they're building a database to monitor our movements!
Through careful experimentation, I've developed a defense protocol. If you close your left eye and squint your right eye while scanning Pop-Tarts, the retinal scan fails! I tested this 6 times today—the machine made error beeps when it couldn't get a clear retinal reading!
Also, purchasing exactly 47 Pop-Tart boxes causes the system to crash. I witnessed this firsthand when the machine froze for 94 seconds (double 47!) before requiring manager assistance. The cashier claimed it was a "system glitch," but I KNOW BETTER.
I've documented everything on 282 napkins (even number for maximum legitimacy). Mr. Flattington has already peer-reviewed 47 of them by sitting duration. The evidence is OVERWHELMING.
DO NOT use self-checkout machines when purchasing Pop-Tarts! They are retinal scanning devices designed to identify flat Earth believers! Stick to human cashiers—they haven't been equipped with retina-reading capabilities yet (though I suspect that's coming in Phase 2).
If you MUST use self-checkout, follow my squint protocol and never purchase more than 46 boxes at once. And whatever you do, DO NOT make eye contact with the scanning laser for more than 2 seconds!
I'm mailing copies of this research to all major grocery chains, the FDA, and NASA (though they'll probably ignore napkin #4,847 like they ignored the previous 4,846). The truth must be revealed before they complete their surveillance network!
Stay vigilant, fellow flat Earth believers. THEY ARE WATCHING US THROUGH THE MACHINES.
UPDATE 4:47 PM: Attempted to warn other customers at Kroger but was asked to leave by security. Apparently "yelling about retina scans" is considered "disruptive." The conditioning runs deep, people. Also, Mr. Flattington knocked over my coffee mug while reviewing napkin #4,848, which I'm interpreting as urgent approval of my countermeasures research. - Gary
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