DISPATCH #002 | MARCH 10, 2026 | CLASSIFICATION: FLATTENED | FILED FROM A MOTEL IN RENO, NV (Gary paid cash)
Gary drove 1,547 miles to investigate a Subway restaurant. This is the report.
For those just joining us: In 2019, a man in Reno, Nevada consumed 16 Pop-Tarts (Brown Sugar Cinnamon). He stood in his backyard and yelled "I KNEW IT" at the horizon for 45 minutes. A black SUV arrived. The man was "relocated." His house is now a Subway restaurant.
In 2024, someone ordered a flatbread at that Subway. The employee said "we don't serve flatbread here." They DO serve flatbread. When Gary drove there to investigate, the Subway was "closed for renovations." At 2 PM. On a Tuesday.
Gary has been thinking about this Subway every day since. Mr. Flattington has been thinking about it too, or at least he has been staring at a wall, which Gary interprets as "deep contemplation about the Subway."
On March 8, 2026, Gary loaded Mr. Flattington into the car, packed 4 boxes of Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts (32 tarts — enough for the drive plus "operational reserves"), and drove from Tulsa to Reno. It took 22 hours. Gary ate Pop-Tarts at every gas station. Mr. Flattington slept the entire way. "He was conserving energy for the mission," Gary says. The webmaster believes the cat was just sleeping.
Gary arrived at the Subway at 11:47 PM. It was closed. He sat in the parking lot and ate 4 Pop-Tarts. He looked at the building. He says he "felt something." He says the building "vibrated at a frequency." He says Mr. Flattington's ears went back, which is "confirmation."
Gary slept in the car in the parking lot. At 6:47 AM — 47 minutes into the hour, obviously — Gary woke up. Mr. Flattington was awake. The cat was staring at the Subway. "He was doing reconnaissance," Gary says.
Gary entered the Subway at 10:00 AM when it opened. He ordered a footlong — NOT because he wanted one, but because "you have to blend in." He ordered it on Italian Herbs & Cheese bread because "herbs are plants and plants are FLAT." He did NOT order flatbread because "that's what they expect."
Gary's observations, transcribed from 7 napkins (the Subway napkins, which Gary considers "enemy stationery" but "acceptable in an emergency"):
OBSERVATION #1: The floor is TILE. Not carpet. The man who lived here had carpet (Gary checked Zillow). WHO REPLACED THE CARPET WITH TILE? And WHY? Tile is FLAT. Are they MOCKING us? OBSERVATION #2: There is a back room that says "EMPLOYEES ONLY." Gary tried to enter. The employee (name tag: "Marcus") said he couldn't go back there. Gary said he was "conducting research." Marcus said "this is a Subway, sir." Gary said "EXACTLY." OBSERVATION #3: The menu does NOT list flatbread. It used to list flatbread. Gary checked the Subway website on his phone. The website DOES list flatbread. The MENU in this specific Subway does NOT. WHY has this Subway removed flatbread from its menu? WHAT is flatbread code for? What did the man in 2024 REALLY order when he said "flatbread"? OBSERVATION #4: There are 47 tiles between the front door and the counter. Gary counted. FORTY-SEVEN. The Pastry Half-Life number. Built into the FLOOR. This is not a restaurant. This is a MONUMENT. To what they did to the man who ate 16. OBSERVATION #5: Mr. Flattington was not allowed inside. Gary left him in the car with the window cracked. Mr. Flattington stared at the building from the car for the entire 38 minutes Gary was inside. When Gary returned to the car, the cat was in the same position. "He found something," Gary says. "He won't tell me what. Cats operate on a need-to-know basis."
Gary asked Marcus about the "renovation" from 2024. The conversation, as transcribed by Gary on a napkin IN REAL TIME:
Gary: "When was this place renovated?"
Marcus: "Uh, I think like last year? They redid the counters."
Gary: "Was it on a Tuesday?"
Marcus: "I don't... know? I wasn't working here then."
Gary: "Who WAS working here then?"
Marcus: "I don't know, sir, I've only been here since November."
Gary: "November of WHAT YEAR?"
Marcus: "...2025? Last November?"
Gary: "Convenient."
Marcus: "Is there anything else I can help you with?"
Gary: "Yes. Do you serve flatbread?"
Marcus: [long pause] "...we used to."
Gary: [writing furiously on napkin]
Marcus: "Sir, your sandwich is getting cold."
Gary: "TRUTH IS NEVER COLD, MARCUS."
Gary considers Marcus's pause before answering the flatbread question "the most significant 3 seconds of silence since NASA stopped responding to my napkins."
After eating his sandwich (under protest — "it was round at the ends"), Gary walked the perimeter of the building. He counted his steps. He wrote down the number (147 — which is 47 plus 100, or 47 times 3.12, which is CLOSE TO PI, which is the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter, which means THIS BUILDING IS ENCODED WITH GLOBE GEOMETRY).
He looked for signs of the original house. He found:
Mr. Flattington was deployed for the exterior investigation. Gary placed the cat on the ground near the bush. Mr. Flattington sniffed the bush for approximately 12 seconds, sat down, and began grooming himself. Gary considers this "a thorough assessment" and notes that 12 seconds is an EVEN number, which means "the bush passed the cat's inspection."
Upon returning to the car, Mr. Flattington sat in the passenger seat and stared at the Subway building for an additional 20 minutes while Gary ate 4 Pop-Tarts (Brown Sugar Cinnamon, untoasted — the car toaster is still a future purchase).
Gary's interpretation of Mr. Flattington's behavior:
After 22 hours of driving, 38 minutes inside the Subway, 45 minutes outside the Subway, and 4 boxes of Pop-Tarts, Gary's conclusions are as follows:
Gary drove home the next day. 22 more hours. He ate Pop-Tarts the entire way. Mr. Flattington slept. "He had earned it," Gary says.
Total operational cost of the Reno investigation: $347.22 (gas: $189, motel: $59, Subway sandwich: $11.22, Pop-Tarts consumed during trip: $14, replacement napkins: $3, toll: $0 — Gary drove through 3 toll booths without stopping because "tolls fund the dome"). Gary has added this to the 2026 budget under "field operations."
NOTE: Gary has been asked by the webmaster not to drive through toll booths without stopping. Gary has not agreed to this. "The dome isn't going to fund itself," Gary says. This does not make sense but Gary said it with confidence.
© 2003-FOREVER | DYSTOPIAN PAIN | THE REAL ONE | This dispatch was written on 7 Subway napkins and 4 regular napkins
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